Absence

What now?

Turned to Mother, turning
Standing in her shoes even
Feeling the cold wind
The “good childhood”
And the absence

Absence of touch
Nanny’s sterile workplace
Rule of order
Straight lines
Hospital corners
Obedience above all things

Safety in obedience
Following rules
Keeping quiet
And always the absence gaping
chasm-like
Felt, but out of sight

Stepping into the absence,
I’m surprised it’s not frightening
Just a kind of deranged anguish.
There’s life and passion in there:
Skin contact, bodies, flesh
Loyalty to Nanny –
To cut myself off
Build a prison
in my own body
Keep it out
Let nothing come in

Safety in numbness
In rules, in obedience
Don’t venture out
Stay in
Behave

For every bit of freedom I’m claiming
How much digging, listening, daring it takes
And still there’s more…

Mother looks beautiful now
And I want this contact:
Deep nourishment
Broken-down, heart-broken
Open, bereft

So much received
My cup is over-flowing