1. The You-shaped hole

this poem had its own ideas about where it wanted to go.
I disclaim all responsibility

If I look at my email page for long enough
I will summon a communication from you
Only, it’s not working…
I don’t think it ever did
But I keep looking
Just in case
You never know

Feeling a You-shaped hole
And nothing wrong with that; but
the disparity, in this moment, between
what I want and what I get
jolts me out of my sleep.
I land in myself
awkwardly
Not sure why I am here
Not sure what to do
What is my place
What is this moment for?
A meeting
that happens somehow
Thanks to you
and the You-shaped hole
in me

Still nothing in my inbox
How dare you not write to me NOW?
But here is something inside
Some presence calling me home
when I listen…

Our Gods and demons help us to connect
Without them, where would we be?

It’s never coming, that email
Let me play with that idea, though I don’t believe it
That you feel complete:
Family, friends, Clare
I don’t belong, I don’t fit in
There’s no place for me
But then, just maybe
There are parts of you
that don’t quite fit in that template either:
A life that is simple, harmonious and excluding

I belong with the demons
The parts that are jangly, awkward and shy
Parts that refuse outright to co-operate and be good

Like the Dakini,
I drink blood from the skull cup –
I taste blood
Yours and mine fused-infused
We are alive
We cannot be stopped
Life force – Unstoppable – Now