#MeToo

I never thought I’d write these words. I didn’t think I was defined by this. And recently, aged 53, I found myself in flashback to an experience I had when I was just 15. Innocent, probably inebriated and not able to say No because I had no sense of self-worth; no sense that I could choose what I wanted to do or not do.
The almost-man – he was 17, did not force himself on me, there was no need, I played willing, wanting to please. But I was not ready or wanting oral sex and afterwards my body shook with a strange vibration – trauma – that remained trapped in my body, defining me without my knowing, until very recently. With trauma work I was able to vomit out and free myself from this experience.
And all I want to say is that he did not care. That’s all that was lacking and look at the impact! I feel men are often judged harshly in this arena. What about the mother who had no words of counsel? Why did I choose to be with a man who did not care? There are many influences leading up to this. So this is not a diatribe against men; it’s more complex. And I want to add my voice and the complexity of what takes place to this debate, despite my fear of being seen in this place.
And what remains is a sense of the loneliness of that 15 year old; who didn’t even have the conception of what it might mean to feel safe with a man. I feel deeply grateful now to the men who have given me a different experience.