Homework

My hand is on my sex and it feels
Numb
This looks like progress:
Enough awareness to feel the numb –
Didn’t even ‘know’ it was there
(if I speak of ‘knowing’ as felt sense)
– Gives a another layer of meaning
to the expression ‘Know thyself’

And I couldn’t even do my ‘homework’
the habit of shame
the shameful habit
Couldn’t do, until just now I remembered you
And I could touch myself
as you would touch me
or at least turn in that direction;
some small almost imperceptible shift
and here we are:
Numb
relating to myself
to my sex
Hearing the No
No, you cannot come inside
My gate is locked

I see a stone portal
somewhere hot: the Middle East
buff coloured stone
a high arched opening
Many, many steps leading up
It’s the entry point to a walled city.

I’m standing waiting for permission to enter
and lightly I touch the rilled lips
engaging with my awareness
this can only be done with subtle awareness
I can feel you with me
I am breathing you into me
tenderly

I sit down at the portal
looking out across the vista
and I lean gently
oh so gently
against the rilled lips
My presence speaks:
I am here
I can wait
as long as it takes
Something might perhaps relax, hearing this
If it’s true.
 
If it was about gaining entry:
The Goal
Instantly
an iron portcullis
would bar the way.

The numb evolved
when the portcullis was put out of action:
mocked, diminished, denied.

The numb is frozen like stone
Hello numb
I’m making contact
for the first time.