Artifice and illusion

I do this thing
It’s an inflation
that hides
the small shrinking feeling inside
For example, I announce my invasion:
My troops are amassed
No, I don’t even need troops:
Look, I’m so powerful – ‘flying with Love’s wings’
It’s bravado
Illusion
while inside I’m dissolving
at the thought of how/when I might/might not
be able to speak to you/meet with you.
The chasm is yawning
and I have to reach across.

And if you were reaching out to me –
Initiating, inviting
I’d be denied this experience.
I don’t know if you’re deliberately holding back
or if it just comes naturally.
Maybe I don’t want to ask
Fearing what the answer might do to me.
 
So I create the illusion
I make light with humour
And I find hope – something to make it OK
These are my devices, enumerated.
And there is so much hope
But at this moment I’m choosing to stay with
the artifice and illusion,
the smile of the clown:
To see what’s behind the smile

It is raw inside
I don’t understand why you care
Why you are here at all
Now I’m touching something real in myself.

And it is also real to say:
A door has opened,
My breath is an invitation,
No drama
It is peaceful:
Attending to myself

Thank you